Surgeons Tasha and Raef had a humanist wedding in York – the town where they first met as students. Here they explain how, with help from their humanist celebrant, they created a personal wedding ceremony with equality and inclusion at its heart.
‘We’ve both lived in a lot of different places and cultures, so we wanted to integrate as much of that history into the ceremony as possible,’ says Raef.
These countries included Indonesia, Brazil, and Saudi Arabia – as well as England where they met and now live.
‘It had to be inclusive,’ agrees Tasha. ‘My mum is a Catholic, one of my cousins is an Anglican priest, Raef’s dad is Muslim and so are some of our friends. We didn’t want to choose one religion or culture over the other. We didn’t want any favouritism. I liked the idea that you could customise a humanist wedding – you could make it unique. And you didn’t have to include anything about obeying your husband!’
Raef continues: ‘Equality and inclusion are really important values to us. We both work in the same field at a similar level. We didn’t want anything in the ceremony that favoured one person over the other. It had to be equal.’
I walked down the aisle with both my parents’
Raef and Tasha’s commitment to an equal partnership was obvious throughout the wedding day. It was clear in the wording of their vows, which they wrote themselves, and in their choice of a double-barrelled name, as well as in the speeches they both gave afterwards. Their marriage was declared with the words – ‘You may now kiss!’ instead of the traditional ‘You may kiss the bride!’
‘I walked down the aisle with both my parents,’ says Tasha. ‘I feel like if walking down the aisle signifies your gratitude for the people who have brought you up, I am equally grateful to both my mum and dad. Anything in the ceremony where the dads were involved, the mums would be too.’
This included the handfasting element of the ceremony where traditionally the couple’s hands are bound together with ribbons or cords – a powerful visual symbol of their commitment. Raef and Tasha invited both sets of parents to join in this ancient ritual alongside them.
A Chinese tea ceremony
Their parents also played a crucial part in the traditional Chinese tea ceremony that took place during the wedding. But, because this was Tasha and Raef’s wedding, there were a few changes to tradition!
‘What I take from the tea ceremony is the importance of dedicating time – in an otherwise busy day – to listen to your parents, uncles, aunts and the older members of your family. To hear their advice about marriage,’ says Tasha.
‘It’s a quiet time to sit down with the couple, away from all the noise. It’s also a way of showing gratitude and respect: thank you for your support and for being part of our lives, for raising us. In a traditional tea ceremony, the woman kneels and serves, but we didn’t do that. We took turns to serve the tea and we both sat down. We customised it, but we held on to the core meaning.’
A unique and personal wedding ceremony
Rachael, their humanist celebrant, helped the couple focus on what was most important to them as they planned the ceremony together. After their initial meeting where they got to know each other, she sent separate questionnaires to both partners – with questions like ‘why do you want to get married?’ and ‘what does marriage mean to you?’.
‘The planning was so collaborative.’ remembers Tasha. ‘The questionnaires got us thinking about the vows. We’ve been together eight years, and we don’t necessarily talk about some of this any more. Doing the questions separately and then comparing our answers gave us a different perspective and brought back happy memories.’
When it came to re-telling Tasha and Raef’s story during the ceremony, the questionnaires were invaluable.
‘The questionnaires had all the stories, but it wasn’t like Rachael just cut and pasted them, she really took time over how it was presented,’ says Raef. ‘It was a really small wedding, only 40 people, just the people we really wanted to be there. I thought it was great how she shared our story with our guests.’
The couple and their celebrant worked together to make the wedding ceremony unique and personal, which is why Tasha and Raef’s advice for anyone else planning a wedding is simple: ‘Chat with your partner first about what kind of ceremony you want. Your celebrant can only make it great for you if you tell them what you want. You need to bring more to the table than a standard ceremony but, once you do, then the world’s your oyster. It’s limitless!’
Thank you to Tasha and Raef for sharing their special day with us, and to their wedding photographer Amy Faith for sharing these beautiful images, you can find Amy’s website here.
Their wedding celebrant was the fun, highly trained humanist celebrant Rachael Bowers, who is based in York but willing to travel. Find out more about Rachael and see how you can get in touch here.
Read more
More about humanist weddings
- What is a humanist wedding?
- Recently engaged? Here’s your guide to planning a personal non-religious wedding ceremony
- Find your local wedding celebrant
Looking for more wedding inspiration? Check out these other fabulous real-life humanist weddings:
