Four funny poems to read at your wedding vow renewal ceremony

Four funny poems to read at your wedding vow renewal ceremony

A humanist wedding vow renewal ceremony tells your personal love story, which means that each ceremony is unique.

When planning the ceremony, you may find that you have favourite poems that you’d like to read to one another, or something you’d like to invite someone else to read to you both. But, what if you like the idea of including a poem and don’t know which to choose..?

That’s where your humanist celebrant comes in!

A man laughs as he gives a reading at a vow renewal

Thankfully, poetry is as diverse as relationships — and your celebrant will have a wide selection of poems you can look through before making the choice that’s right for you. They can help you to find something special that is uniquely suited to your personal situation and your story.

You might be looking for something classical and romantic, a modern love poem, or something that represents overcoming difficulties or stress, but if you’re looking for a humorous poem, here’s a small selection for you to consider.

Funny Vow Renewal Readings

An older lesbian couple in raincoats on the beach, arms outstretched and head thrown back for a selfie

I wanna be yours

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours

I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere
I don’t care
I wanna be yours

I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be the electric heater
You’ll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
that’s how deep is my devotion

John Cooper Clarke


Some men never think of it.
You did. You’d come along
And say you’d nearly brought me flowers
But something had gone wrong.

The shop was closed. Or you had doubts —
The sort that minds like ours
Dream up incessantly. You thought
I might not want your flowers.

It made me smile and hug you then.
Now I can only smile.
But, look, the flowers you nearly brought
Have lasted all this while.

Wendy Cope

A couple walking the dog in the woods

Yes, I’ll Re-marry You

Yes, I’ll re-marry you, my dear, and here’s the reason why
So I can push you out of bed when the teenagers start to cry
And if we hear a knocking and it’s creepy and it’s late
I hand you the torch you see, and you investigate

Yes, I’ll re-marry you, my dear, you may not apprehend it
But when the tumble drier goes it’s you that has to mend it
You have to face the neighbour should our terrier attack him
And if a drunkard fondles me, it’s you that has to whack him

Yes, I’ll re-marry you, my dear, you’re virile and you’re mean
James’ room is like a pigsty so you can help to keep it clean
And as for Becky’s maths homework, I can never do it right,
As I’m numerically dyslexic, you can help her  every night

It’s you that has to work the drill and put up the curtain track
And when I’ve got the PMT it’s you who gets the flak
I do see great advantages, but none of them for you,
And so before you see the light, I do, I do ,I do!

(Adapted from ‘Yes, I’ll Marry You’)

Pam Ayres

An older couple on the sofa, grinning mischievously at each other and holding hands

The Giraffe and the Monkey

Wherever we go
Whatever we do
Whenever there’s me
I hope that there’s you.

Now Money is Funny, it can make people odd.
You forget to be happy, and you live for your job
And fashion, is a passion, beset with a flaw
You can dress to excess, but you’ll always need more

And a muscle toned body, may sound like a dream
But no body is better, than chocolate ice cream
What I’m trying to say, is that happiness grows
Not through your wages, or body or clothes

But in laughter and love, and in sharing your life.
In the arms of another as husband and wife.
So when you find someone who’s weird just like you
Who laughs when you’re stupid and who makes you laugh too.

When you sit on the sofa, not hiding your flaws.
As imperfectly perfect, as the hand that holds yours.
When the fortune of kings, or purse of a beggar.
Won’t change how it feels, just being together.

When a cuddle and cuppa is all that you need….

Well then…
you’ve found something quite special indeed.

Wherever we go
Whatever we do
Whenever there’s me
I hope that there’s you.

Daniel Thompson


Next steps

If you’re thinking of having a humanist wedding vow renewal, the next step is to find your ideal celebrant and find out more about humanist wedding vow renewal ceremonies.

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'My humanist ceremony was the most special day of my life. All my family were blown away. Both my parents said that they'd never been to a wedding that was more personal or heartfelt.'
Madeleine, 34

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