Until you’ve done it, planning a funeral for a parent or loved one seems thankfully a long way off. Then it happens. For me, it was five years ago, when my stepdad died. It felt like I had only just completed the first adult milestones: buying a flat, getting married, doing the first school run, and now I had to do the most grown-up thing of all – planning a funeral.
Navigating grief whilst dealing with the bureaucracy of death admin was tough. However, planning the funeral turned out to be one of the most meaningful things I’ve ever done. If you’re in a similar situation, here is everything I wish I’d known about funeral options five years ago.
Talk about funeral wishes early
It isn’t morbid to talk about death. This doesn’t need to be a formal planning meeting, but something you bring up naturally in conversations. Do they want a burial or cremation? Do they want a green funeral? What music do they want to celebrate their life? Knowing these things early can lessen the stress of planning.
Before my stepdad died, he mentioned two things in casual conversation. He asked my husband to perform Vaughan Williams’ The Lark Ascending on his violin during the service, and he wanted a green funeral. This helped us start planning a personalised ceremony that truly reflected the man he was. He was also a strong atheist, so we knew that a non-religious service was the only way forward. This is one of the reasons we opted to have a humanist celebrant lead the celebration of his life.
The variety of funerals now is far wider than it used to be. Nobody has to wear black and have a church service. Options range from natural woodland burials with outdoor humanist ceremonies to direct cremations followed by a memorial gathering led by a celebrant. It’s good to get an idea of what is right in advance.
What comes first – a celebrant or a funeral director?
When a loved one passes away, most people look up the nearest local funeral home, walk through the door, and follow whatever standard process they hand you. What I didn’t realise is that you do not have to start there. You can reach out directly to an independent or humanist celebrant first.
Humanist celebrants focus on listening, writing, and structuring a service around the person who died. They can help you figure out what you actually want the day to look like first. Once you have a clear idea of the ceremony, a celebrant can often recommend independent funeral directors who fit your budget and your values.
Focus on the life lived, not just the loss
Some funeral services can sometimes feel rigid, gloomy, and disconnected from the actual person who died. You can do this differently.
Plan a ceremony focused entirely on who the person was, what they cared about, and the memories they left behind. You don’t need standard readings and hymns that nobody knows how to sing. Play the music they loved, invite people to share their special memories, or find an uplifting poem that reminds you of them.
Whether they loved heavy metal, painted crazy art, or were always cracking terrible jokes, have a ceremony that celebrates that one special life they lived.
Practical logistics and modern options
When you sit down to plan, practical details can get confusing quickly. Here are answers to a few common questions:
How long do funerals in the UK take?
When considering how long funerals in the UK take to organise and run, keep two separate timelines in mind:
- Time from death to funeral service: In the UK, funerals usually take place two to three weeks after a person passes away, though this can take longer if a coroner is involved.
- Length of the service: A standard slot at a crematorium is often quite short, usually 30 to 45 minutes. We knew that many people wanted a chance to share stories without feeling rushed, so our celebrant helped book a double slot for the ceremony at the crematorium. We had a separate interment at the green burial ground and joined people for the wake after this.
Can I organise a funeral online?
If family members live far away or you share the millennial horror I do of speaking to strangers on the phone, you might wonder, “How can I organise a funeral online?”
Much of the process can now be handled digitally:
- Use online directories like the Humanists UK Celebrant Finder to choose an accredited celebrant near you.
- Run memory-gathering calls over video conference with relatives to plan readings and choose music.
- Set up digital memorial pages for photo sharing, messages, and charity donations.
- Arrange direct cremations or eco-burials through email.
What admin do I need to do before planning a funeral?
One of the biggest surprises when it came to planning a funeral was how much admin came with it. Here are a few things you need to do:
- The registration timeline: In England, Wales, and Northern Ireland, you must register the death within five days at a register office (it’s eight days in Scotland). You will need the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death provided by the doctor or hospital.
- Get the “Green Form” (or Form 14): At your registration appointment, the registrar will issue the Certificate for Burial or Cremation. Hand this directly to your celebrant or funeral director, as the service cannot proceed without it.
- Buy extra certified death certificates: When you register, pay for extra official copies of the death certificate. Banks, pension schemes, life insurers, and mortgage providers ask for original certificates rather than photocopies.
- Use government reporting tools: If you live in England, Wales, or Scotland, ask the registrar for a “Tell Us Once” code. This online service notifies HMRC, DWP, the Passport Office, and DVLA in one go. If you are in Northern Ireland, you can use NIDirect to guide you through notifying the relevant local departments.
Planning a funeral when you still feel like a beginner adult is hard, but you do not have to do it alone. Speak to friends and family about what you’re planning to do, and ask for help if you need it. Work with a celebrant or funeral director, who will help guide you through this process. Hopefully, like me, you will be proud of the way you celebrated their life once the grief has settled.
