Music was a passion, and a way of bringing people together, for Ivan, Laura’s dad. In this blog, Laura explains how the family – with the help of their humanist funeral celebrant Emma – celebrated his life through storytelling and song.
Ivan was an enthusiast, collector, and hobbyist. “When he got really into vintage motorcycles for a time, he didn’t just have one, he had five,” remembers his daughter, Laura. “He also mended watches and clocks. He was a plumber and a heating engineer. He was always out in the garden and getting compliments on his gardening. He could turn his hand to anything.”
But it was every Friday and Saturday evening that Ivan came into his own, as a musician.
“He learned the guitar at sixteen,” continues Laura. “He gigged around all of Northern Ireland, even during the Troubles. Our home was always full of music – my mum singing as she did the washing up, my dad singing or on his guitar. He passed this passion for music on to us. I play piano and my brother plays the guitar and writes his own music. He bought his three-year-old grandson, Peter, a small ukulele so that they could play along together. Music brought the whole family together.
“We’d have parties where my dad would get out his guitar and they’d be a singalong. I think that’s how people remember him most. Him performing for them.“
“We chose music to celebrate his life”
So, when it came to planning a funeral that celebrated Ivan’s life, the music he loved was always going to play centre stage.
“I remember a family trip we went on to Wicklow. One night we ended up doing an impromptu family gig of REM’s ‘Losing My Religion’. Him and my brother on the guitar, with a violin, drums, singing, even a triangle and a kazoo. It’s such a happy, free-flowing memory. Music was so important to him, so that’s how we chose to celebrate his life.”
“We thought about what my dad played regularly and what he enjoyed playing. ‘Black Moon Rising’ was one of those songs – such a cool song, everyone knows it and could sing along. People who came to the funeral would have seen him play it in the pub, at gigs or in our house. We could visualise my dad singing it. ”
“Dad realised that a funeral didn’t have to be religious”
Laura can’t recall discussing funeral arrangements with her dad while he was alive, but she does have a very clear memory of an occasion which prompted the family to choose a humanist funeral for Ivan.
“When we grew up, we went to Sunday School and every church thing,” explains Laura. “Every funeral I’d been to was very religious. When my ex-partner’s mum died in England, my mum and dad came over with me for her funeral: it was the first time my dad had seen a non-religious funeral.
“He was taken aback that there was another way to do this, a way which was about her and her life story. We sang ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ because it was her favourite song. That really stuck with him.”
“It was a healing process to share stories together”
Emma, a humanist celebrant who was recommended by the funeral directors, helped Laura and the whole family to share their memories of Ivan. Together they created a tribute to him that they could be proud of.
Laura continues: “We were in the dark when it came to planning a funeral. We’d not been in this situation before. We were a wee bit nervous. How do you express so much about a person? We didn’t want to do him a disservice.
“But it was a really positive process. It was healing to sit with Emma, my mum, brother and sister, round our kitchen table, sharing stories, anecdotes and experiences that were important to him.
“It was a lovely process. We were able to laugh about things. It’s such a strange time, so intense, when you lose someone you love, but it can be positive. It can bring you together.
“When you know someone so well, you just know what feels right. We went by our instinct – Dad would have liked this, Dad would have appreciated this, Dad would have wanted to sing along to this. And he’d understand if we included some soppy bits too, even though he might roll his eyes at them. Dad was always thinking of us.”
“He looked after us, and his funeral was our way of looking after him.”
As well as the music, there was another aspect of Ivan that came through strongly through the funeral service: his care and consideration for other people, and the way in which he supported his family through his final illness.
“There were six weeks from when he was diagnosed to when he passed,” says Laura. “He got us through that time. He was so stoic, so dignified. He looked after us, and his funeral was our way of looking after him.”
‘Thank Yous to medical staff were included in the service. Laura explains why that was so important.
“My dad treated people in such a lovely way, always how he would want to be treated himself. In his illness, and in his life, he deeply appreciated anyone who did anything for him. He’d look up and smile when someone came into his room. No matter what you did, Dad spoke to you with respect and kindness.”
“Go with your guts!”
Laura has some advice for anyone else planning a funeral: “You can enjoy the process. Yes, there are going to be tears, it’s going to be emotional, it’s going to be a struggle. It’s not what you want to be doing, but it’s so important in your own journey of grief.
“You can be a bit indulgent. It’s potentially your last chance to celebrate that person and to do something for them. It’s a way of carrying on caring for them. It doesn’t matter what other people think. Go with your guts!”
Humanist funeral celebrant
“I can’t recommend Emma highly enough.” Ivan’s Humanist Ceremonies funeral celebrant was Emma Crawford, Emma is based in Northern Ireland you can find Emma’s profile here.
Visit our map of humanist funeral celebrants here.
